It's my birthday and I will cry if I want to

This week sucked. I knew it was going to suck, but wow. J has been an amazing rock for me. This week he stepped up his game. He took me out for date night. Dinner of my chosing. No kids. Just us. I cheated off my clean eating and ate till I was full. Amazing. That was last night. Before today.

But work gives me so much anxiety. I am currently lying in bed, way past my bedtime. J is away for a couple of days. I am stressing about work tomorrow. It will be my one year anniversary of working there. A big deal right?

I just don't want to deal.

I am also on day 28 of my cycle. A solid two days late. My ring has been out of four days. I POAS a this morning and negative. But it was a dollar store cheapy.

So stress. Deja vu. I mean in March I was late. Negative HPT all over the place. Finally some bleeding and pain and a month and a half daily nightmare. I am only just getting past that nightmare and..... God is it happening again?

Why can't I just get my period or get pregnant like a normal person. Why do I have to automatically go down that crazy dark rabbit hole? 

And my very good friend lost his dad last night in a very short battle with Cancer. Fuck cancer. My friend is heartbroken as can be expected.  

And some one else near and dear is battling cancer for a second time. In a very very short time. I am being vague but I have to be. I got more bad news from that front tonight as well. It's bigger than they thought. 

It makes me sick to my stomach. I just want to do SOMETHING. Anything to make it better for these people. It makes my stress seem small and puny and I feel bad for it because fuck, cancer man.

So I just lay here and stew. Stress and cry. 

Happy mother chucking birthday to me.