Waiting game

If I didn't know better I would think I was coming down with a cold or flu. I am tired. I can feel every square inch of my chest. I have no appetite and feel nauseous promptly after eating.

At this point I don't require a home pregnancy test or a blood sample to tell me what I already know. I am pregnant.

But instead of looking at the future. Of Laying my hopes and dreams on the line, I live in fear and sadness.

Don't doubt for a second that this baby isn't wanted because, oh it sure is. Wanted, Loved. Needed.

I live in fear and sadness because this will be my seventh confirmed pregnancy. But I only have one living child.

There were losses before I had him (countless ones unconfirmed but now I realize what they were). There have been losses since. The last one was just last month, well technically this month. I have short cycles.

So while my inner dialogue is a never ending mantra of, grow baby grow and we love you. Grow baby grow, we love you.

Grow baby grow. We love you.

Outwardly we are cautious. We can't even attempt cautiously optimistic anymore. Not when the bottom could drop out any day now and that magic number of how many times we have been pregnant grows ever higher.

During the two week wait when anything could happen, I give up everything. I don't exercise nearly as hard,  if at all. I definitely don't run. I don't drink. I practice yoga. I think positive thoughts. I look after myself every way I can.

Grow baby grow. We love you.

But it's always a coin toss. Are we or aren't we. Will we get a blood test done early enough to confirm it or will we just miss out. Because if we do the number goes up. If we don't than its all in our heads. 

All I want is a decently healthy baby. I don't care about sex or gender or whether it looks like me or J. I just want to be able to spread my love and make our family feel complete. 

I mean it will never be fully complete because there have been so many lost possibilities. So many.

But I don't want my losses to get the best of me. I want to come out on top. I want to say when I am done having children. I don't want to give up in a state of loss and despair. In fear.

Grow baby grow. We love you.

I miss the days where every pregnancy brought home a healthy baby. I miss making plans and the hopes and dreams that happen when the pee stick dries.

I can't even make myself pin down a due date. I know it would be late March or early April. But only because I checked last month when they confirmed my pregnancy. 

I just can't now. Not yet. It hurts too much to know. Some of the other Edds that weren't, are burned in my brain. They will be in my memory to my dying day.

There is the other mantra that gets repeated during this process, no blood no blood no blood. Every time I go to the washroom.

No blood. No blood. No blood.

Exhales

Blood.

There is blood.

Miscarriage. Again.

Again. What am I doing wrong. What did I do wrong. I just want to have one more baby. Just one. I loved every minute of my last full pregnancy. Every minute. I did not complain. I just want that back.

I clean myself up and strengthen myself to leave that bathroom. To hope that I can get through the next couple of days, if not at the very least, the next couple of minutes without seeing a pregnant woman.

And the cycle begins again.

It's been awhile

The last year has been so rough. 

I struggled with anxiety and depression last year after the loss of what should have been our November baby. 

I seemed out help after a few months of failing to "get over it".

Best decision I ever made. My health team has been so understanding. 

I started seeing a counsellor in the fall. It has been fantastic. She has helped me bring back my confidence. 

I am still not "old K", but I am not disliking this new version of me.

This January we had another ectopic pregnancy. 

It was devastating. But I am still here. Still kicking.

Everything has made me reevaluate me. 

Who I am.

 What I want out of life.

If I could have a million children I would. I would (and will) keep trying until we feel our family is complete.

I know it isn't complete now. With two miscarriages, one rainbow baby, and another two ectopic pregnancies, my heart is full. But as has been the case previously my heart just grows and makes room for more love.

If I could I would go back to school tomorrow. I would become a social worker. I would like to work with women like me. Like to be there and hold their hands. Let them know they are not alone.

Dreams, my friends. Dreams.

Over the rainbow

Do you ever think about what you want to find on the other side of the rainbow? Is it the leprechauns pot of gold? Is it a Ferrari? 

Mine is happiness. It is seeing a glimpse of my future and seeing me and my family happy and healthy. It would see Alex with a brother or sister or both (ideally right?!)

It would show j and myself smiling and happy. Not care free because I don't think there is such a thing but definitely enjoying life.

Life doesn't have to be perfect, I expect some hiccups and bumps in the road. But I want to be content with our day to day. 

That is what is on the otherside of my rainbow.

It's my birthday and I will cry if I want to

This week sucked. I knew it was going to suck, but wow. J has been an amazing rock for me. This week he stepped up his game. He took me out for date night. Dinner of my chosing. No kids. Just us. I cheated off my clean eating and ate till I was full. Amazing. That was last night. Before today.

But work gives me so much anxiety. I am currently lying in bed, way past my bedtime. J is away for a couple of days. I am stressing about work tomorrow. It will be my one year anniversary of working there. A big deal right?

I just don't want to deal.

I am also on day 28 of my cycle. A solid two days late. My ring has been out of four days. I POAS a this morning and negative. But it was a dollar store cheapy.

So stress. Deja vu. I mean in March I was late. Negative HPT all over the place. Finally some bleeding and pain and a month and a half daily nightmare. I am only just getting past that nightmare and..... God is it happening again?

Why can't I just get my period or get pregnant like a normal person. Why do I have to automatically go down that crazy dark rabbit hole? 

And my very good friend lost his dad last night in a very short battle with Cancer. Fuck cancer. My friend is heartbroken as can be expected.  

And some one else near and dear is battling cancer for a second time. In a very very short time. I am being vague but I have to be. I got more bad news from that front tonight as well. It's bigger than they thought. 

It makes me sick to my stomach. I just want to do SOMETHING. Anything to make it better for these people. It makes my stress seem small and puny and I feel bad for it because fuck, cancer man.

So I just lay here and stew. Stress and cry. 

Happy mother chucking birthday to me.

Self care

So.

The last few months have been hard. I felt like anything beyond Alex and getting through the day was overwhelming. Alex has not been the problem. It's just life and work.
So I have talked to my Dr and NP and they figure it is anxiety and depression brought about by my loss and the stress at work.

I can't  focus on the things I love to do, read, bake, craft.
I have been running since June and sleeping well.
But I want /need to get back to me.
So I have done the Whole 30 to reset my body. It has been amazing but that story is for another day.

I am going to write again here. Journal if you will. In 2012 when I had anxiety I found a list of question prompts that I did on here. It helped a lot. So I am going to try that again.

So here I am.

It is finally over

I have written and rewritten this, so here goes.

my local hospital refused to do the bloodwork. They were having asshole dress down Friday apparently?!?so my aunt took me to the bigger hospital. Amazingly we got triaged Asap! We only waited for an hour and a half at my local hospital for triage before being turned away. ::shakes head::
but were stuck in waiting room hell for 4 hours. When we got into emerg they gave me a gown and hooked me up to an IV, no food or water, but were waiting on my Dr. 4.5 hrs later she showed up my HCG had dropped almost to what she wanted, my hemoglobin was stable, my blood pressure was okay (high for me but normal). She was going to send me on my merry way with a note to be off next week. 
I said what about the pain?!? This isn't normal and it isn't getting better.
oh, well I guess we could do an ultrasound and see if things look different from Saturday.
my aunt, bless her soul, jumped in at this point and said, K is not leaving here without an ultrasound. My aunt had four miscarriages at various stages before cancer took her uterus via hysterectomy at age 26. she was the absolute best advocate to have with me. I love her.

anyways, I got the ultrasound almost immediately. They say that the results and the other Dr (on call, not the one I have been dealing with) will be down in an hour to discuss. Two hours later they show up.
she is in shock. My egg/mass whatever has GROWN! It is now just over an inch! Growing over a cm in under a week with the methotrexate. And there is blood in my abdomen. She is so so sorry. Surgery is now a must. 
Within 30 mins I am prepped and going in.

jeff called the neighbours again to watch Alex and rushed up to the hospital. My aunt stayed with him until I was out of surgery.
The surgery went really well. 
The egg WAS in the tube the whole time. She said it would have ruptured before morning for sure because my tube was stretched to the max.
She saved my Tube and Ovary (she had been concerned about losing the ovary originally). She found all kinds of pelvic floor lesions which she got rid of, found an adhesion between my uterus and bladder which she got rid of. And checked out the left tube and ovary and said they were beautiful.
she refused to suck any access fat out while she was in there (it was worth a try asking right?!?)
She was amazing. 
She was mad at the other doctor for her decision process all along the way. I should never have gotten the methotrexate with the egg the size that it was originally. 

I am home and feeling better. J is shocked in how much better I am. I should have gone with my gut last week and insisted on surgery instead of letting her scare me out of it.

guys it is finally over. 

I am off for 2-3 weeks to recover. I was hoping to go back to work on the two week mark, but spoke with boss lady today and she thinks I should take the three weeks. She wants me to heal completely.

So we will see.

I had my repeat HCG blood draw done on Friday. It was drama filled too, with lots of tears on my part. Frustrated tears. 

Regardless my super awesome, amazing family health team came through. They took my blood and my amazing Nurse Practitioner called me from home on Saturday. My Hcg had dropped to 8. We have to continue doing draws until it is under 5. So hopefully when I go back on Thursday, it will come back at 0. 

I still can't lift Alex. Or exercise, or bend over, or stretch. I can't drink alcohol or go out in the sun ( and it has been so sunny and warm!)

But I can heal. I will heal. This experience doesn't define me. It won't stop me. It makes me stronger and hopefully a better person because of it all.

Waiting

I did get to come home on Monday. My happiest moment was getting to see and hold Alex. 

On Tuesday I went for my day 4 bloodwork. It came back as stable for hemoglobin, but hCg had risen, from 219 to 279. They need to see 15%drop by Friday, whose results wouldn't be read until Monday

I told my Dr my reservations with waiting. I am supposed to go back to work on Monday!

So I suggested going to the Local hospital e,erg for bloodwork on Friday and wait on the results in emerg. They will call her and ask what our next step is (most likely more methotrexate), but at least I don't have to wait until Monday.

Since day one, I just wanted this over with. I want it done so I can move on. Apparently my body didn't get the memo.

I am in so much pain and discomfort. Nothing seems to work. I can't sit up for any period of time. I can't stand for any period of time.  I can't lift Alex or hold him on my lap. I can't concentrate on anything. 

Reading my last post made me cringe. The typos and spelling mistakes were atrocious! 

There is no way I can function at work. Greet the seniors with a smile, answer their questions, get them answers. Organize their rides and their appointments. Just no way. 

So I sit and I wait. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

Crying over coffee

You never know why will set a person off. I have been holding it down emotionally this week. Trying to keep myself sane.

But this morning I sit here crying over stupid coffee. When they brought my tray of food, I saw it sitting there. I asked if it was hot water, and the gentleman said no, coffee. 

I waited till he left before I broke down crying.

I hate coffee. I hate it. I really really want a cup of tea. I don't even care if it is crappy red rose tea. I just want a cup of tea. I can't be at home right now with Alex, J and Remy. I am in pain. And I really just want a cup of tea. When I asked if tea was available, he said no and walked away.

This may seem a little trivial. It probably is. But I am so lonely and tired and scared. 

Why can't this be over with already?

It happened again

This is long. It is sad. Consider this a trigger warning, but I also think it is important.

In 2012 when I miscarried, I hoped to never go through that again, but knew the odds were not in my favour.

On February 12th I had my period. A couple of days later than normal but it came nonetheless. Flash forward to March and my period was late. I pee'd on a stick. Negative. I pee'd on another and another, negative times two. 

I started bleeding 10 days after I was expecting my period. I knew in my heart that it was likely a miscarriage but figured time would tell. When I stopped bleeding seven days later I thought maybe I had been wrong. Yes there had been a lot of blood. Yes I had some pretty bad cramps. But it only lasted a day or two longer than normal and there were the negative HPT's to consider. Plus I am not new to painful periods.

The next day I started bleeding bright red again. Then the pain started. 

It was like cramping, but localized to my right side only. It radiated down my thigh and back. It hurt. It got worse. On Tuesday I called the doctor. I couldn't take the pain. I figured miscarriage or maybe even a chemical pregnancy, which I really didn't know much about.

The NP saw me, took some blood and ordered ultrasounds but was thinking miscarriage as well. The urine test was negative for pregnancy. 

She gave me naproxen and sent me on my less than merry way. I went back to work. By the time I got home the pain was immense. I could barely move. I took a naproxen and it made a huge difference. That night I had the sweats and chills. In the morning I was more uncomfortable than anything and the pain was much less. Maybe it was the naproxen? 

The ultrasound couldn't be booked until Thursday. So I worked Wednesday all day and Thursday morning before running over for the ultrasound. Just before I left work the NP called with the bloodwork results. It was a confirmed miscarriage. The ultrasound would be looking to rule out an ectopic pregnancy.

The ultrasound tech was great. She was thoughtful, concerned and offered her sympathies. I told her I understood that she couldn't tell me anything. I asked when my Dr would get the results, but it wouldn't be until Tuesday because of the long weekend. (These things always happen on long weekends).

She grew concerned and quiet, asking what my plans were post ultrasound. I told her that if I needed to I would go to emerg. She left to speak to a doctor who said to come to emerg.

So I found myself registering for emergency. A little déjà vu. Calling J to inform him. I got in quickly and was told it looked like a ruptured ectopic pregnancy and I had to go to a larger hospital 30 mins away. He said there was a "mass " likely blood in my uterus and a "free floating fluid mass" likely blood in my pelvic region. 

J was in a meeting without his vehicle, so got a ride to the office, ran home to get changed (didn't want to wear his uniform & gun to the hospital) and came to get me.

The next hospital emergency area was awful. There were no signs explaining what you needed to do. Angry, tired staff who actually yelled at us for asking where we were supposed to go to be triaged. And it took almost an hour to get triaged and registered. All this time thinking I could have internal bleeding. I could loose a Tube or an ovary or worse. I was scared. I know we are not done having kids. 

But I was also numb. Numb to emotion. I didn't have the emotionally connection to this loss like I did previously. Was I sad, yes, anxious, depressed, emotionally wrought? No.

We got a bed in emerg and had an amazing nurse look after us. However the gyno on call was trying very hard to go home at the end of her shift. She told me they could not confirm miscarriage or ectopic pregnancy. Everyone else was wrong. That she considered me pregnant. 7 weeks pregnant! She said it was likely an abnormal pregnancy but still.

Than she said that just two weeks before someone presented very similar to mine and ended up with a viable pregnancy. 

If I had been emotionally attached to this pregnancy that is possibly the worst thing she could have done. Giving hope. It breaks my heart to even think about how that would have affected me in 2012. I was desperate to hear those words then. Now I just wanted this over.

I said so much to the doctor who got quite mad at me. Asking how I would feel about aborting a living baby. I don't like the words she threw at me. I think it was in poor taste.

She told me to come back on Saturday to emerg for an ultrasound and bloodwork and to see the Dr on call. The ultrasound couldn't be booked until 10am, prime time in emerg. In we came, my mom and I (Jeff stayed home with Alex), I had another fantastic tech. But she didn't like what she saw. The Radiologist read them right away and came in to do his own ultrasound. He didn't like what he saw either. As a doctor he could give me the results. It was an ectopic pregnancy, outside of the tube, right next to my right ovary. 

It was a disaster trying to get into emerg, even though the Dr on call was expecting me and they had my ultrasound done already. It took almost two hours to get into a room. The Dr eventual came and saw me, pushing for me to get Methotrexate and let the chemo drug destroy everything that was left. I asked for side effects, pros and cons for it vs surgery. She convinced me to get the methotrexate. She said if I had any pain worse than it was currently, fever, dizziness to come back in right away.

The methotrexate was injected by a needle in each hip. It hurt like hell. I knew sleep would now be futile as I am a side sleeper. The hips would hurt for a few days they said. 

Than the Dr came back and admitted that she never looked at my ultrasound, but had now. The egg/mass/whatever was larger than she thought and not where she thought it was. It was on the large side for Methotrexate to work, but because my Hcg was so low (219) it should work.

I asked about support groups for miscarriage and pregnancy loss. This is a fairly big hospital, part of a larger hospital system. She looked at me like I had 12 heads. Eventually she found me some info on a group that meets monthly an hour away.

We went home,J went to work no my mom spent the night with Alex and I. I hadn't eaten since dinner the night before,and while at the hospital was told no food or drink. My mom got me a sandwich and a hot chocolate on the way home. For dinner I had a tiny slice of pizza. Some tea and water over the course of five or so hours. I went to bed early. At about 9:30 the pain started. Sharp and hard on my right side. Similar to Tuesday. I couldn't stand. I had the shakes, bad. A headache and felt nauseous. I got my mom and said I needed to go back to hospital. I called J, he suggested asking the neighbours to come sit for Alex until he could get home. So she did, bless her for rushing over.

I was scared. I thought the mass was rupturing. Once again I saw my future children possibly disappearing. Emerg was busy, it took an hour or so to get into see the same Dr from earlier in the day, despite my calling her on route to the hospital. My hemoglobin had dropped nine points to 132, not abnormal, but not likely a rupture. It might just be the methotrexate doing its job.so she said she would either admit me for observation and run more bloodwork in the morning and make a decision then, or if I wanted the surgery right that minute she would do it. But she had scared me about the surgery earlier in the day. Saying it upped my chances of having another ectopic pregnancy in the future, and if she opened me up, I would likely lose my tube.

I opted to be admitted for observation, got some pain killers and sent my mom back to my house. I slept and slept and slept.

The Dr came back in the morning a couple of times. They did bloodwork,and she said that she was passing me off to the new on call Dr. If I was still here in the morning, she would come see me. Just before she left she said I could have a little something to eat. That was at 9:30. I didn't see a soul again until I pushed the nurse button at 10:30. She said she would check the orders and if it was okay, get me something to eat. She did, but told me to take it slow. I had to ask for lunch at 1pm, since the lunch she had promised me at 12:15 never materialized. 

The only time I saw her was when I paged her. No doctor showed up. So I paged her and asked when I could go home, since they really  were not doing anything for me. I missed my husband, son and dogger. It  was Easter Sunday and I just wanted my family.

She said this afternoon after 4:30pm likely. 

Whelp you can probably guess how that went. The new Dr sent his Resident to talk to me. Apologizing for not coming earlier, saying they each thought the other was going to check on me. 

She and the doctor wanted me stay the night for observation again. Apparently it is common for at least 24hrs of observation for ectopic pregnancies.

So here I am. It has been over 24 hours since I saw Alex and Remy. I miss them so much. I just want this all over with. Is that really too much to ask?! 

Desk makeover

Well I took a few moments this morning to pretty up my desk. I picked up the book a day desk calendar the other day for $2.25!! But it had a boring blue stand. Yawn!

Well fidgety girl that I am that just needs to be creative all day long pulled out some washi tape.

I later took some washi tape to my pens that were looking wonky with the outside peeling off.

Voila!! The pink pen is not taped, it was what the others looked like, only with the white part mostly gone. I am loving this little desk makeover. Plus it made me a little bit happy.